Balance can be my enemy. Mental balance has been an issue because my mind has been away for me to get away from my disability. Physical balance is also my enemy because of my disability. So balance – or lack of it – then impacts me doubly. So how can I come close to having and feeling comfortable with two significantly different kinds of balance? And how can I get my life in balance when my mind and body disagree? I need to become relaxed within myself.
The lack of balance has scattered my puzzle pieces into multiple piles. In bundle one is my mental balance. This is one thing I work on every day because if I don’t, I will find myself lost in my head in a land I have created. When I’m lost in my head for too long, I try to make what is in my head come to life. When that happens, I find myself down a dark road. Those dark roads are even more unlit when my physical balance is off. I began to feel guilty and ashamed because of my cerebral palsy.
Because of my cerebral palsy, “BALANCE” isn’t my favorite. Balance, cerebral palsy, and I don’t always get along, but we are always together. Each of these three parts likes to put an “I” in the word “TEAM.” If you look at the word “TEAM,” you don’t see the letter “I” because “I” means one person. When spelling “TEAM,” you are working with two or more people/things. Then how do I take the “I” out to allow cerebral palsy, balance, and myself to live peacefully?
I have to take each of these parts of myself, break it down, and see how each component works individually to see what fuels each piece. Once I find what energies each piece has and then figure out how to take the “I” out of each, I can start to fuse each part as one.
On some days, one of the three parts will talk and say I need a break. They used to not listen to each other and started to listen. I used to let the one that wanted to keep going win. Over the years, I would hurt myself and fall back into life. Recently, I have been learning to listen to the part that needs rest.
A few months ago, I ended up not feeling well. Instead of telling myself to shake off and move on, I decided to listen to my body this time and slow down. I chose to attend to that part because I needed to start listening to my body to remain independent.
For many years I felt I was grieving who I wasn’t. I was suffering because, from day one, my life was different from what is to be the “Norm” in life. I thought I was listening to my body and giving up on life, but if I didn’t listen to myself, I lost out.