Balance can be my enemy. Mental balance is an ongoing issue, and I use my thought process to deter my mind from my disability. Physical balance is also my enemy because of my disability. So balance – or lack of it – then impacts me in a double manner. So how can I have and feel comfortable with two significantly different kinds of balance? And how can I get my life in balance when my mind and body disagree? For starters, I know I need to become relaxed within.
The lack of balance often has me feeling like my life is a bunch of puzzle pieces in multiple piles. In one bundle is my mental balance. If I don’t work on this area daily, I will become lost in a land of self-obsession, which is unhealthy for me. I believe they are a reality when I’m lost in these self-created or self-obsessive thoughts for too long. When that happens, I find myself down a dark road. These dark roads are even more unlit when my physical balance is off, and I feel guilty and ashamed of my cerebral palsy.
Because of my cerebral palsy, “balance” isn’t my favorite topic. Balance, cerebral palsy, and my thoughts don’t always work as a team; they are always together as a part of who I am. Each of these three parts likes to put an “I” in the word “TEAM.” If you look at the word “TEAM,” you don’t see the letter “I” because “I” means one person, and a” TEAM” is two or more people/things. Then how do I take the “I” out to allow cerebral palsy, balance, and my thoughts to live in harmony?
To understand each of these parts of myself, I have to analyze how each component works individually to determine what fuels each piece. Once I learn what powers each piece, I can only figure out how to take the “I” out of each; I can start to fuse each part as one.
On some days, one of the three parts will say I need a break. This used to cause friction when I would let the one that wanted to keep going win. Over the years, I would hurt myself and fall back into life. Recently, I have been learning to listen to the part that needs rest.
A few months ago, I ended up not feeling well. Instead of telling myself to shake it off and move on, I decided to listen to my body this time and slow down. I chose to attend to that part because I needed to start listening to my body to remain independent.
For many years I felt I was grieving who I wasn’t. I was suffering because my life was different from what is said to be the “norm” in life. I thought I was giving up on life. If I don’t listen to my inner self, I lose out on life.